14 Tradwives Are Sharing The Warnings They Have For 20-Something-Year-Old Women Aspiring To Be One, And I Think It's Super, Super, SUPER Important For Unmarried Young Women To Be Taking Notes

Note: Responses have been edited for length/clarity.

If your screentime is even slightly above average, you've probably heard of the tradwife movement. These "tradwives" are (mostly) online and promote a specific traditional archetype. They're usually very young; they don't work; many didn't go to college; they're married to a man who takes control of decision-making and household financial responsibilities; they have multiple children; they take care of the house; and they cook from scratch using farm-fresh ingredients.

But before there were TikTok tradwives making Skittles from scratch and tending to their homesteads in designer milkmaid dresses, there have been generations of "tradwives" whose stories are largely untold.

We recently asked former tradwives what advice they would give to young women aspiring to that kind of lifestyle. Here's what they said:

Note: Some responses were pulled from this Reddit thread. 

1. "Get. A. Prenup. I don't care if you think he would never, ever, ever leave you for a woman half your age. It's better to be safe than sorry. Put in such audacious demands that he would be out of his mind to even look at another woman, if that makes you feel better. For example, if he cheats, he walks away with nothing but his clothes and has to pay the current bills for five years. Or, if he puts a hand on you, same deal. Make your prenup ironclad. If he refuses it or tries to talk you out of it, walk away. If his intentions are to never do those things, he won't have a problem signing it."

—Anonymous, 45, Female, Georgia

2. "My friend is a tiny bit older than I am, but was a mother, homemaker, hostess for business dinners, and gave up her STEM job for the whole mom/wife thing. Her husband traded her in for a younger model after 27 years. I would never suggest anyone do this without a viable income."

—Handbag_Lady

3. "It's terribly risky. You are staking the survival of yourself and your children on a man. So many women have been dumped for a trophy girlfriend after 20 years of loyal service to a husband, and left penniless, with no job skills. Even if your husband doesn't leave you, he may still become disabled and unable to work, or he may die. If you're gonna do this, make sure you have a huge, multimillion-dollar life insurance policy on your husband. Make sure you are funding a retirement plan for yourself out of the family income. In your name only, not your husband's name. Make sure you keep up some sort of résumé with a part-time job. Don't let your husband take the attitude that he controls the money because he's the one who earns the paycheck. Remember that the services you provide for free would cost him a lot of money if he had to pay fair market wages for the work you do."

—Bergenia1

4. "My feet hurt all the time. Don't get me wrong — I don't regret my marriage, but nobody told me how much my feet would hurt. I'm standing in the kitchen all day, vacuuming or dusting. I rarely get to sit down all day. If you're going to do this, invest in a good pair of shoes."

—Anonymous, 54, Female, Texas

5. "I was told to quit my job and stay home. I quit a job that would have paid me the equivalent of a little over $30 an hour today. I was expected to have all of the housework done and supper on the table, but he also expected me to bring him lunch to his workplace every day and, of course, send him naked pictures. Less than a year later, bills were too high, and I had to go back to work. My prior job was no longer available, and I had to work at a place where I barely made over minimum wage. But since I was bringing in less money than him, I still had to take care of all the housework and make sure supper was on the table."

"When we got divorced, he used the excuse of my not having his work shirts clean as the reason why he had the right to abuse me. Even without the abuse, I was always put to the side. My birthday and Christmas were forgotten, but he always had money to help his friends and show off. Having to get his permission to do things made me feel like I was in grade school. Even though he would make it sound like I could do what I wanted, I knew that if he didn't approve, I would hear about it at home."

"If anything happened, it was my fault. If there wasn't enough money for something, it was because I budgeted incorrectly and overspent. If the house was not spotless, that was my fault. All he had to do was go to work, and when he came home, it was straight to the computer. Every once in a while, he would drive the lawnmower around because the lawn was man's work. Unless there was a major house repair, he did not do anything."

—Anonymous, 50

6. "As a mother who owned a successful business and worked through the end of every pregnancy, only to go back to work within two weeks of delivery, the grass is not always greener. Now, I'm a stay-at-home mom of three and, on most days, I'm just as exhausted as I was back then. My kids are not babies anymore, but they do sports, go on field trips, and I'm the room mom (because I am the only non-working mom in the class, so it's expected). Still, I have to be the cook, the maid, the personal secretary. At least before, I always had a good excuse for paying a cleaning lady and ordering takeout a couple of nights a week. Now I have to plead my case for it."

"I do think my kids and husband are ultimately happier with me being home. And I'm very lucky to have the option. The good thing is that I spent long enough establishing myself in my field that if I HAD to go back to work, I could. And one day, I probably will. If I had not spent all those years working, I'm not sure what I would do if I became widowed or divorced. It's wise to at least gain respect in a field that you can fall back on before you spend your whole life catering to your loved ones. And it's all you know how to do."

—Anonymous, 46, Female, South Carolina

7. "Boys in their 20s are just that. Boys. Getting married before 25 is basically the blind box of marriage because you don't fully know what you're going to get. You might get the rare one and have a happy and successful marriage, but it's also likely you'll get a common one or even a fake. The person a man is at age 22 is not the same person at 32. He has yet to be tested by the world, so he may think a traditional relationship is the best choice, and then you'll turn around in eight years and discover you were the one pulling all the weight."

"Getting into a 'traditional' marriage may end up with one person being completely into it, and the other just posturing. Give yourself time. You don't need to get married at 18-years-old. Getting a little life experience is wise, especially when it comes to settling down with someone. Signed, a happy tradwife."

—Anonymous, 33

8. "It's isolating and frustrating, as the work is never done. I tended to obsess over cleaning-type things (mopping daily) and did not like not having my own money."

—kateinoly

9. "My mom was a tradwife. Based on conversations with her over the years, she'd probably tell those young women, 'There's nothing wrong with learning and mastering the domestic arts. You should always be proud of yourself for learning new skills and keeping a nice home. But don't put all your eggs in one basket.' In this modern age, things change quickly. Relationships, geographic location, even family. You need to be comfortable having the skills to take care of yourself, too, not just your house and your husband. It's much better to view homemaking as a hobby rather than your raison d'être. Just because it's traditional doesn't make it good."

—theweebird

10. "My mom was a tradwife and stay-at-home mom. She was extremely miserable. She barely graduated high school, and then worked low-paying jobs and lived at home for a few years until she met my dad and got married at age 20. She moved directly from her parents' house to my dad's house. She never went to college. Never traveled. My dad was a Vietnam vet with PTSD who drank a lot. Did not go to college. Worked low-paying, blue-collar jobs."

"I ended up being a stay-at-home mom for a while, but I had a couple of college degrees and 10+ years of work experience. I also traveled a bit, both by myself and with friends, to see the world. I loved staying home and leaned into the DIY homemaker role. I love to garden, cook, bake, be a mom, etc. I homeschooled my child for a while. I rejoined the workforce when my kid started public middle school."

"For women considering doing a tradwife stint:

- Have a backup plan in case your husband drops dead or leaves.

- Have some job skills. Try to maintain them. Take a class or workshop now and then.

- Make sure your name is on EVERYTHING that is shared with your husband: The bank accounts, the house, the car, the bills, etc.

- Husband should do some tasks; mine has always been in charge of meals on weekends.

- Communicate clearly with your partner about your emotional needs. If you are feeling unappreciated, talk it out before it spirals into a bigger problem."

—tigermom2011

11. "Making yourself completely dependent on someone else is a mistake. Things happen in life. Maybe your marriage really is happy and secure, but people get sick, lose their jobs...things happen. And the women left behind with children and a huge gap in their work history have a rough time. If you go that route, have a backup plan. Have some money of your own. Keep up your skills, even if it's just part-time or occasional consulting."

—Snarffalita

12. "My mom kept house and churned out five kids between 19 and 26. Five kids under 7. I think she loved being a mom and was OK with keeping a large house. My grandmother lived with us, so there were two people to keep up with chores. My parents got divorced as soon as we were all grown, though. My mom went back to school at that point and got a doctorate. I think she liked having the best of all worlds when she had them, but her advice to my sister and me was to have our own money."

—PanickedPoodle

13. "My mom lived as a traditional wife under the direction of a small Pentecostal church. There were restrictions on the clothing she could wear, the activities she could spend time on, and the limits on how she raised her kids, along with so many expectations for how to be a godly woman. It's a complicated blend of believing in these values and holding herself to these expectations, while also being dissatisfied with them and not being able to question them."

"The biggest example I can name relates to healthcare. The church taught us that you don't need medicine if you have faith — no doctor visits, no vaccines, even no ER visit for me when I had a semi-serious head injury as a toddler! It scared her so much at the time, but she didn't have the power to push back."

"She has been divorced and out of the tradwife lifestyle for 20+ years but still struggles with so much internalized guilt and shame from that time. Now, when she, my siblings, and I discuss the old days, we compare it to a cult or call it the 'crazy church.'"

—papaya2

14. "I planned to join the Peace Corps after college graduation, but instead I chose to get married. I had my first of four kids about 18 months later. I don't regret getting to stay home with my kids during their early years, but it absolutely robbed me of my personhood. I was the primary caregiver with no family around, while he worked his very important job. One day, I realized that the entirety of my 20s and most of my 30s were gone, and that I had never done anything for myself. I was so lonely, and life was devoid of meaningful relationships because his job moved us to a new state every two years."

"Finally, I got my master's degree and started a career. This broke our dynamic, and he began to grow resentful. I asked him to go to counseling, and he refused, so I told him I wanted to separate. He was dating someone else six months later. We are now divorced, and I'm more fulfilled. My career is meaningful, my kids are doing well, and I have been able to travel. I often wish I would've joined the Peace Corps instead of immediately getting married, and I wish I had held him accountable for parenting his children so that I didn't become consumed by it. If I'd had something that was just for me, things may have turned out differently."

—Anonymous, 40, Female, Virginia

Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.