1 month ago
29
Some secrets will be taken to the grave, but others end up on the internet.
I expected some piping hot tea when Reddit user u/MrBowls asked, "What’s a harmless/non-serious secret you’ve kept forever?" and I wasn't disappointed. Many of these secrets are nothing short of wholesome and heartwarming, but a few of them left me truly, utterly shocked...
1. "When my wife died, she had been working on 'special occasion' letters for all of our kids. She slipped into a coma and died after only getting through a handful of letters for our eldest child, leaving addressed envelopes only for our other two kids. I knew this would be devastating for the three kids and possibly create conflict, so I paid a woman who specialized in calligraphy to literally duplicate my wife’s handwriting. I gave her the content, channeling my wife’s comments to me about what I thought would be meaningful words for our three kids when I had helped her dictate a few. And, as she wanted, I have passed them out on special occasions, such as wedding dates, the birth of the first child, and the first day of college. My kids don’t know. I’ll take it to my grave. I consider it harmless, as it was her intent, but cancer robs so much from people afflicted with it…including their best, most sincere attempts at helping others cope with the loss themselves."
2. "I was pretending to be sick. This was the 1980s, so the old-school, mercury-filled thermometers were still a thing. I knew it would read 98.6, and this was my only shot to avoid school. Both of my parents stepped out of the room, and I looked over and saw my dad's piping-hot cup of coffee. I dipped the thermo into the hot java. It shattered, emptying the toxic mercury into the coffee along with tiny shards of glass. I panicked. In my mind, there were only a couple of possible outcomes: My dad dies of heavy metal poisoning and a lacerated esophagus, or I 'fess up to what I did. At the last second, I swatted my dad's mug off the kitchen counter, smashing it onto the floor and creating a coffee explosion in my mom's freshly cleaned kitchen. In the chaos, everyone forgot about my claims of illness. I slipped the remainder of the broken therms into the trash and went to the bus stop, saving my father from a horrible death — at least in my mind at the time."
"The assignment was a low-stakes secret, and dude goes on about almost POISONING HIS FATHER WITH MERCURY."
3. "My mom was a meth addict, so my siblings and I grew up with very little. By the time I was 11, she was so far gone, we could go weeks without seeing her. I entered a drawing contest at my school around this time. I won a $100 gift certificate to our local mall. One day, after making sure my siblings had made it to school, I played hooky and walked to the mall (about 3.5 miles away). I bought my three siblings some presents (and almost forgot to get myself something; I ended up buying some discounted body wash), then had them wrapped at the mall before trekking home. I hid the presents in the crawl space until the 24th (I was right, our mom did nothing), and when my siblings were distracted by a movie, I snuck out and put the box of presents on the front porch before knocking and running away. I snuck back in the back door by the bathroom and heard my siblings yelling, 'Someone left a box on the porch that says Merry Christmas.'"
"Bless you, what a life. So glad things went better for all of you."
4. "My mum wouldn’t let us have cheese in the house when I was a kid. When I was in my mid-20s, I bought a unit, and my dad was helping me fix stuff up, so I provided lunch. I said to him, 'Bet you’re going to hate going back to work next week and not have any cheese on your sandwiches.' It was then that he told me his deepest secret: he had been buying blocks of cheese at work for years. I had no idea he was crafty. And my mum still doesn’t. Poor Dad has been retired for years, though, so I'm not sure on the current cheese consumption status."
5. "I convinced my sister I had entered us both in a blog giveaway, and I won a coupon, but she won the grand prize: a $300 gift card to Lane Bryant. My sister was a size 16 and desperately needed new clothes, but would spend money on her baby grandkids and thin adult daughters. This was the only way I could make sure she spent it on herself."
6. "My friend is a major fan of the band Death Cab for Cutie. They came to our city a couple of years ago, and I knew she wouldn’t be able to afford the tickets. She was upbeat about it, but I know she was devastated by it. I bought tickets. 2 days before the show, I told her that the friend I had originally planned to take couldn’t go and asked if she would please come with me. There was no other friend. I told her I loved the band and would be sad to miss them. She, of course, accepted and had the time of her life. She’s doing much better now, but every couple of Christmases or birthdays, she gets me some Death Cab merchandise because 'she knows how much I love the band.' I can’t stand their music. I literally have them blocked on Spotify. But now it’s gone too far where I can’t tell her."
"The detail that you have them blocked on Spotify absolutely made this for me. Don’t even want to risk hearing their music."
7. "I once told a girl I was dating that I loved the dish she cooked for me. In reality, it was terrible. 25 years later, my wife is still cooking it at least once a month because it's my 'favorite.' I've never been able to tell her, but now I've let my 8-year-old daughter in on it. She'll prance up to my wife and say, 'Let's cook Daddy's favorite tonight!' Then she turns around and looks me dead in the eye with a shit-eating grin on her face."
8. "In 1998, I had a friend who was stuck in a very toxic situation at her home. She had an opportunity for a new start across the country in Oregon. She had a Dodge Neon that was hanging on for dear life and decided to pass on the opportunity for fear the car wouldn’t make the trip. I told her I had a friend, a mechanic, who owed me a favor and would give the car a tune-up for free. I didn’t really have a friend that was a mechanic. We were both 18 and didn't have much money, but I used all my savings to have her car made roadworthy for the trip. She’s a mother of four now, with a great job and thriving in Oregon."
"You may have saved her life. You're a phenomenal human being ❤️"
9. "On the day of my wedding to my late wife, the ring got stolen out of my car. I was freaking out. My two best men went into overdrive, took a picture of the ring I had, and went to — I don't even know how many — jewelry stores, explaining what had happened and whether they had a similar ring. They went to this really great jewelry maker who said, 'I have something that is really close. Give me a bit, and I can make it perfect.' He worked his ass off and got it done with about an hour to spare. The three of us are the only ones who know. I ended up using that jewelry maker for any jewelry I needed, and I haven't stopped yet. He ended up telling my best men not to worry about the price and for me to come down after the honeymoon to work it out. I did, and he gave it to me at the cost of the materials. He retired during COVID."
10. "Only my immediate family knows that I threw a birthday party when I was 13 and no one came. I remember sitting at the window, crying, looking out for any cars to come. I never told anyone else about this, because I didn't want to seem like a massive loser; I still don't. Even for the kids who didn't turn up, I told them my neighbors and friends from extracurriculars came, so even they don't know."
"I once turned down a birthday party, and later found out no one came. This was 40-plus years ago, and I still feel bad. Sorry, Roch."
11. "I came home late at night, drunk, and decided to walk my dog. Just when we arrived outside my house, my dog attacked a raccoon hanging around the area. I ended up wrestling my Malamute and freed the raccoon from his jaws. Here's the thing. I was drunk, the raccoon kinda just stared at me, so I decided to try and pet it. I got maybe one pet in before it took a chunk out of my finger. Everyone asked me what happened, and I just told them that while I heroically wrestled my dog to save the raccoon, I got bitten in the process. They still don't know the real story. It still gets brought up 10 years later."
12. "When my brother was 4, he won a stuffed animal from a claw machine, and it was his favorite thing ever. He slept with it every night for weeks until he fell asleep on the couch and was carried to bed. He left his stuffed animal on the floor, and the dog tore it to pieces during the night. I spent $40 trying to win another one and put it under his bed for him to find."
"My parents did that with my Beanie Baby cow. Every time I lost her, a new one would appear, and they’d tell me 'baby cow had a bath.' I still have two of them."
13. "Every Thanksgiving in San Luis Obispo, my best friend and I are in charge of pies. We go to the Madonna Inn, a gloriously outlandish hotel/restaurant/bakery/resort, and ask for two of their pie boxes. We then go to Safeway, buy two much cheaper pies, and put them in the boxes. We bring them to our large family gathering, and everyone compliments the wonderful pies because of how amazing the Madonna Inn’s reputation is for baked desserts."
Fun fact: I had my bachelorette party in San Luis Obispo and took the entire bridal party to the Madonna Inn for brunch. Even though we had just had breakfast, everyone left with a slice of cake or pie to go.
14. "When I had just gotten my license, I was kind of an idiot (as are most 16-year-old boys). It was snowing, and I thought I would try to drift my car into a McDonald's parking lot from the road. I failed, obviously, and went down an embankment into another parking lot. Thankfully, my car was mostly OK. I told my parents I was avoiding a head-on collision and hit black ice. I have never told them the truth, even though it has been 20 years since that incident. I could tell them, and they wouldn't care, really, but I just haven't and probably never will. This is the first time I have ever told anyone the truth about that day."
15. "My wife lost one of her favorite gold earrings her parents gave her. She could not find the other after weeks of trying. It had sentimental value as it was a 16th birthday gift, so I knew she’d never want another set. So I took the one she had around our big city to jewelers and shops until I found a matching one. Eventually, I found one, bought the pair, dirtied it up at home, and let her 'find it' in her sock drawer. Still have the other hidden in my desk in case she loses the other."
16. "If anyone was at the Hyatt Regency in Columbus, Ohio right before the Origins Game Fair in 2018, I have your white noise machine. You left it in the hotel room. I didn't even realize it for half my stay. I was like, 'Oh, this is actually really convenient!' figuring it was just a new thing the hotel was doing. That is, until I visited my friends' room, where they didn't have one. I told the front desk about it, but they insisted it didn't need to be moved to the lost and found. I told them to tell me if anyone called looking for it, but no one did. So, thank you, forgetful stranger; it has actually helped immensely with my sleep."
17. "When I was dating my now-wife, her son took my car for a joyride while we were out of town. When we got back from our trip, I noticed something was amiss with my car. When I got in it, I noticed the sunshade was installed backwards; I would never do that by accident. I then pulled the dashcam footage. He took it around the neighborhood. He didn't do any donuts or burn any tires — just a nice slow stroll through the neighborhood with the music playing, and he waved at some people. I ended up just handling it, man-to-man. He was like 17–18 at the time. I never told his mom about it."
18. "I can't remember why, but I was mad at my dad for something. As revenge, I added extra chili powder and hot sauce to our family chili. Turns out my family never really added enough seasoning to the chili as it was, and the food actually tasted a lot better as a result of my revenge tactic. I've overcorrected as an adult on seasoning food at times, but I do make a mean chili."
19. "My dad is a doctor. When my daughter was little, she was terrified of hurting her ankle. Like, anytime she got the slightest twinge or rolled it, she was convinced it was broken. My dad would take her to the office and run a fetal heart doppler over her little ankle and tell her it was an X-ray machine and her ankle was fine. She’s 13 and still convinced that Papa took actual X-rays of her ankle. I’m never going to tell her otherwise."
20. "I farted in a physics tutoring class consisting of 6–10 people, including the tutor. A friend started yelling about the air conditioner having a bad smell. He suspected that a bird or a mouse died there. Finally, we all had to move to continue the class in another room. Until this day, no one in this group knows that I farted."
"When I was in my first trimester of pregnancy, my intestines suddenly could make the most rancid farts. I’m talking eye-watering, room-clearing farts that lingered forever. Usually I could excuse myself and go somewhere alone. One day, while shopping with my husband and dad, I was trapped in the maze that is IKEA. I knew I didn’t have enough time to leave, and made this horrible trail through the couch section. My husband started gagging and assumed it was someone else, since his beautiful wife couldn’t possibly make that smell.
Yep, it was me, and that’s why it followed us through the entire IKEA."
21. "As a previous nanny, I've seen many first steps and heard many first words, but I never share that. When I leave, I say something like, 'I think little one is soooo close to walking/talking!' It's a special moment parents deserve. Who am I to take that from them? One baby was walking with me for a full 2 weeks before he showed his new trick to his parents."
22. "My mom, dad, and other people in our community kept spotting me driving to this back parking lot at a local government complex. They asked me what I was doing, and I told them it was a great place to stargaze because it was kind of off the main road. Even 20 years later, I still get comments about whether I'm going to go stargazing! Nope — that was my makeout/sex spot in high school. I think they know."
I remember when my friends showed me the local makeout parking lot back in high school. I was horrified when we pulled in. My mom worked there.
English (US) 