My Sisters Won't Respect My New Name — I'm Considering The Nuclear Option

1 week ago 17

Today’s issue of Stephen Please is all about family — the people who gave you life and hopefully did not ruin it. I’ll be answering questions from three people dealing with major drama in their families.

If you enjoy the column below, please subscribe to my newsletter! You'll get each new issue in your inbox for free. I love having new email friends. Let's open some letters!

My daughter has stopped talking to me. In 2015, I got divorced. She was 16. She played her father and me off of each other. During one of the times I was on the outs, I reached out to her boyfriend at the time for help. I said some things that he took out of context and then repeated around her high school. It was rough. I apologized. We moved on. Everything was fine. We spoke three times a day, I got her into college, I helped her through a breakup, helped pay her bills, etc.

Then, in 2021, I tagged my friend in a Facebook post. My daughter decided it was about her, although I said it wasn’t, and since then, she’s refused to speak with me. I have tried many times, offered counseling, and she’s said no. In 2023, my mother-in-law died. She did come to the funeral but got mad that I stayed in the receiving line and did not spend enough time with her. I was trying to give her the “space” she said she needed.

Later that same year, my father died. She refused to attend the funeral and later found out that I was setting up a trust fund with some of the proceeds going to her brother. She texted me asking to get some money also. I told her it was too late.

She eloped and moved to Hawaii. We text sporadically (that’s the only contact allowed by her). She says she has forgiven me but does not want a close relationship. I am going to Hawaii for vacation, but she won’t see me. Help.

The history here is complicated, but the path forward is unfortunately simple: If she doesn’t want to see you on your Hawaii trip, then you can’t see her. Reconciliation should come from a genuine and mutual desire for repair, not a flight that you’ve already booked.

And honestly, it might be for the best if you don’t see her just yet, because I think there’s more work to be done on your end before a meetup could be productive. Your letter offers a long list of things your daughter’s done wrong over the years, but there’s not much accountability for your own mistakes. Certain omissions — like what you said to her high school boyfriend or the content of that Facebook post — are hard for me to overlook. The one thing you own is that you shouldn’t have reached out to the boyfriend, but even then, you claim that he took what you said out of context.

So here’s a question: Can you name something you’ve done wrong in this relationship, without any asterisks or excuses?

I don’t ask that to shame you, or to imply that the estrangement is entirely your fault. I ask it because your account of the last decade is pretty one-sided, but if you want the truth, you should probably be looking somewhere in the middle. Your idea of going to therapy with your daughter was a good one. But since she’s declined, why not take this very complicated history and unpack it with a therapist on your own?

And if you want a place to start that doesn’t require a copay: Try to articulate, out loud or in writing, your daughter’s perspective on the past several years. You say that everything was fine between you until the Facebook incident. Would your daughter agree? It seems unlikely that she cut ties with you over just one post. Why did the post send her over the edge? Can you give voice to her point of view in a fair and logical way, even if you don’t agree with it?

I can’t guarantee that doing this work will bring you and your daughter back together, obviously. But even if it doesn’t, I think it would bring you some clarity and peace.

Can I go over my sister’s head and ask my nephew to call me by my new name?

I legally changed my name over a year ago and have asked both my sisters to call me by my new name, but neither has been willing to do so. One of them has a 6-year-old son and my sister claims that changing what he calls me would be too confusing for him. It hurts my feelings so much.

My other sister has a 7-month-old and I really want him to call me by my new name when he starts talking, but that sister says that if our other sister doesn’t have to respect the name change, then she doesn’t have to either.

Can I go over my sister’s head and ask my 6-year-old nephew directly to call me by my new name? The name change is pretty minor. It’s basically as if I changed it from Mint to Mira. It’s a two-letter difference. What should I do?

Yeah, you can go over your sister’s head on this. I don’t know whether your name change is the product of a gender transition, a personal preference, or something else, but my ruling stands regardless. Your sister can control many aspects of her son’s life, but she cannot control the names of the people he meets.

I doubt this change will be that confusing to him, by the way. Kid brains are malleable — they can pick up entire new languages in a fraction of the time it takes an adult. If anything, your nephew is most likely to be confused about the fact that his mom and aunt are not abiding by the change when everyone else is. I’d have a no-drama, age-appropriate explanation ready for that: “I think they call me my old name because that’s what they’re used to. But it makes me really happy when people call me Mira.”

One disclaimer: If your sister is the type to cut you off from your nephew over something like this, then you’d need to weigh that possibility against the discomfort of being called the wrong name. In that case, you might be better off continuing this conversation directly with her instead of going over her head. It would say nothing but terrible things about your sister if she puts you in that position, but I can understand taking the long road in order to preserve your relationship with your nephew — it sure sounds like he could benefit from an empathetic adult in his life.

I’m sorry your sisters suck!

Speaking of family, here’s a drawing I did of a robot becoming a father:

Nothing will have you questioning your life choices like staying up until 3 a.m. to draw a robot cradling a blender. Back to the advice!

My husband and I are separated but still living together, and we have a child. I am planning a fall break with another guy. The other guy is aware of the situation. I have already gotten the time off work approved. My husband and I have agreed that we are open to dating other people. What do I tell him?

My other concern is having multiple days away from our kid. They are very attached to me, and I’m not sure how they would handle me being gone. What should I tell my kid?

I think you should tell your husband the whole truth, and your kid a half-truth. Let’s break this down.

Your husband: You’re separated, and you’ve agreed that dating is on the table. So the truth should hopefully not be too destabilizing for him. If he has no inkling that you’re even seeing this guy, he might feel some whiplash about the fact that you’re serious enough to vacation together, but that whiplash will only get worse the longer you wait. And since your trip directly impacts his own life (he will, I assume, be solely responsible for your kid while you’re gone), your best bet here is honesty. Keep that coparenting relationship as communicative and respectful as you possibly can. It will make your life easier in the long run.

Your kid: Enlist your soon-to-be-ex for some input here. You should be on the same page about how and when new partners get introduced. But my inclination is that a kid — especially an anxious and attached type of kid — should not hear about a new relationship until you have some confidence that it will last. This goes double when your separation is new, and your kid is still in the thick of processing some big life changes. If you can space out the bombshells a bit, do it.

Obviously, what you tell your kid about this trip depends largely on their age. But if there’s a close-to-truthful version of the story that you think they’ll accept — “I’m going to Vermont for a few days with a friend. You and your dad will have some fun 1:1 time, and we’ll FaceTime every night!” — you can spare them the juicier details.

Oh, and bring your kid back a fun souvenir. The only cure for my separation anxiety as a kid was the promise of a good novelty T-shirt. Trust.

This is the part of the advice column where I bring out the von Trapp family to sing “So Long, Farewell.” But before Gretl falls asleep on the stairs, I hope you'll subscribe to my free newsletter! You'll get each new issue of Stephen Please directly in your inbox, and it's completely free.

Read Entire Article